Here I was again walking along the path around the beautiful pond asking God about some changes I had made in my health. A strict drastic change over a period of months with my mostly organic diet along with some quality whole food supplements tailored for my body have made a huge difference in the quality of my life. It also has been a bit costly. Recently I added healthier and more costly skincare products which caused me to question the use of our hard earned money.
Guilt is a horrible feeling. One of the definitions reads: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined. I was feeling guilty and talking to God about my guilt. My husband was supportive of all the changes, and we weren’t going into debt. Our financial circumstances were better than they had ever been. So why the guilt? Was it real or imagined?
Looking back to when my papa came to live with us in 2010, we experienced financial increase as a result. In my first book, Life Lessons From My “Papa,” I never spoke about the financial challenge that can come with care-giving because it was not part of my personal experience. Papa was a purple heart World War II veteran and I did my due diligence to research what benefits were available to him which resulted in a lot of his provision medically. Coupled with good health insurance and a decent pension after 38 years as a postal worker, all his needs were provided for financially with leftover to contribute to the family budget.
This financial increase along with a small inheritance after his death was the beginning of a new level of financial security. At the same time, God chose to bless my husband’s business in unprecedented ways. Our biggest challenge now became how to manage what God had entrusted to us which brings me back to my conversation with God on that path.
“What about this guilt, God? Where is it’s origin and is it real or imagined?” I felt He answered my question with a question.
“Why do you find it hard to believe that I want to bless you?”
The battle continued in my mind. Was I just trying to hear what I wanted to hear? Then came the reasoning and the rationale of why I did not deserve this blessing. It went something like this. “There are people struggling all over the world. Is this an entitled American mindset?”
Another question came in response to my question. “Why don’t you believe that I want you healed, and who are you to decide how I want to accomplish that in your life?”
I think that it is true for most of us, that our ability to receive favor and abundance is directly related to how much we think we deserve or don’t deserve. Coupled with our performance mentality, we may reject the overflow that is made available to us in mind, spirit, and body as God’s beloved children.
I am also painfully aware of a poverty mindset that I continually struggle with. This mindset is a hindrance and contrary to the heart of God. Our God is not stingy nor is He a God of lack. Our minds need transformation. My mind needs transformation. The renewing of our minds is vital to receive increase so that we can in turn share with others all that we first receive.
I am reminded of the times of refreshing and respite that came when caring for my papa. Perhaps I was able to receive those blessings because I believed I had earned them. But is that not a “works” mentality? In this season of my life, the heavy workload has lifted. I recall a feeling of overwhelming gratitude and sense of well being recently while driving home in my new car carrying nutritious, healthy foods after my food shopping was complete. I was giving thanks, but lurking right alongside that peace was this subtle nagging thought that I did not deserve such goodness. What had I done to earn such kindness and favor?
As I finished my walk, I once again contributed to my overall physical health by my exercise. I also now had some questions to answer which I’m sure that as I ponder them will lead me to further health and wholeness in the area of renewing my mind. I don’t think I could put a price tag on the freedom the answers will bring.
